secret blog

I messed up again

apparently was supposed to start my internship today

nobody is suppressed 

but also nobody will care to ask

except my dad who will yell at me for not planning better. 

at least Lucinda Williams is playing on the radio 

So this is how we end.

After surviving my ex roommates hatred

because we screwed her over by liking each other

After surviving/getting over the summer we disappointed eachother

because we left things undefined 

After surviving more hatred and another undefined semester 

because you were leaving and afraid to commit

After surviving my trip Europe over winter break

because I couldn’t stand to be around when you left

After surviving 6 months of Basic training and AIT

because half the time we could only talk in letters and all the time you were states away

After surviving the summer you came back and my Cornell acceptance 

because that would mean more distance, and we already live in different states

After surviving our miserable fall 2012 semesters alone at school

because both of us felt like we had to start over 

After a winter break of few encoutors

because for some reason we couldn’t get our act together…

maybe i should have seen it coming

i always said we’d never work, that you’d break my heart

unfortunetly i stopped believing it a long time ago 

and i started believing that maybe we could settle

together

and run away from the rest of the world

just us. 

but i should have known 

you give up when things get to hard

and while it was perfectly fine for you to leave

for some reason you couldn’t forgive me for leaving 

so being apart when it wasn’t your choice wasn’t ok for you.

its only hard because i keep flashing back

all the way to when things started

we were both at the same school

and your hugs

you would hold me so tight

so strong

like you were afraid i would slip through your arms 

and you never wanted to let me go

even when i wasn’t sure what we were

you made me feel safe when i was with you

no matter the problem

just holding me 

reminding me everything would be ok

but maybe things haven’t been fine since you’ve gotten back

maybe we said everything through letters 

and our summer perfect 

except when we talked about me leaving

that was something you could never say was ok

and you made it about you, like you were the only one who would be hurt

at first i acted tough

but then i opened up

and finally gained your trust

and now you just gave up.

but even though valentines day seemed like a little slice of heaven 

maybe things haven’t been the same for awhile

and maybe i should have seen this coming

maybe i’m in love with the memories

of Rhode Island sunday morning breakfasts with callie and eric

sex on the baseball field and erics car

really getting to know each other 

of saying good bye outside you house and you pulling my hood up to keep me warm

of getting off the plane from londen to all your texts and voicemails

telling me you loved me

of spending my weeks waiting for your letters

planning my visit to see you

and secret texting around your family 

of prepping for the weeks leading up to you coming home

of late drunken summer nights

long drives 

fake fights 

sex in the campground bathroom

when there was passion and we couldn’t keep our hands off eachother

when we tackled the mountin

and got lost coming down

but i looked at you and felt nothing but love

and you didn’t yell at me for leading us the wrong way

exploring the plantations

and getting drunk at a random party and falling over ourselves on the way home

skipping rocks on the music steps above the library

lying in the grass outside of physical sciences

marveling at how close the deer were

buying snacks at the lunch truck and giggling all the way home 

falling asleep on your chest 

the first time we slept together where i felt like no matter how close i tried to get to you it still wasn’t close enough

pretending we were together again when i visited you

spending half the day in bed 

when you tried so hard to make sure i had a fun birthday. kinda. 

calling you on my walks home.

and heres were maybe i should have realized

maybe it wasn’t exciting enough any more

and maybe thats why it had to end

maybe this is just wishful thinking

maybe if eric proposes to callie

maybe if were in the wedding 

maybe a few years down the road

well feel that spark again

something like what brought us back together the first time

something i’d never felt before 

i think you felt it too

maybe then things well be different

maybe well be older

closer

have college out of our systmes

maybe you won’t have to be my past forever

maybe this is wishful thinking 

and maybe thats for the best

maybe you were holding me back

and maybe this is the start of something new

i’ve always loved falling in love

more then being in love

tonight i had to pretend to be happy from around 6pm to 11pm

it finally sunk in what happened to the newtown kids

how much my speeding ticket is going to cost

eric’s freind’s suicide

how much i hate being alone at school

how much money i’ve been spending lately

and then i had to listen to Mr. Accamondo make jokes about how hot faith’s sister katelin looked on the news report crying about how she had to hide her students from the shooter

and listen to my own family make this a gun control issue

and i held back tears

and so we went to the next house

and i tried to politely ask my mom to stop babying my sister and i

so she said she wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night

and then i had to listen to ‘how did women get rights’ jokes

and then my father brought up the money were wasting on my house in rhode island 

and didn’t listen when i tried to say it would hopefully change

and when he asked again

i almost did cry

and then i had to listen to mrs. accamando tell a story about a joke a student of hers said at morning meeting: whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? about 45 pounds. 

and i almost threw up

and my eyes lit up when we talked about fashion

but after that conversation i remembered my parking ticket

and money

and how to get everywhere on friday

and i was crushed again

and then we went to the next house

which became a blur of racial comments and dumb sex jokes

to the point where i couldn’t even fake a smile

and was just praying for the last hand of whatever card game we were playing 

just so i could leave

and explode by myself

i just don’t understand how things can be so bad for so long

usually they turn around

but the don’t seem like they’re going to

and nothing seems worth working towards 

and i don’t know what i want anymore

when no where feels like home

and i feel like I’ve changed so much

i dont’t even know myself 

and nothing is comforting

and just existing takes effort

and i can’t stop feeling this way.

Sometimes I can just roll my eyes and laugh off how justin talks differently around other people

it makes sence

everyone does that

and i don’t mind that he’s going to play video games with his RA

I’m happy he has someone to hang out with, he’s happier with friends, and its simply good for him

but i’m also happier with people

and when i’m too scared to call up the few i know

and i have only a pile of homework to keep me company

and I was hoping to Skype him for awhile

and his voice just abruptly switches and says yea i’ll call you later

it feels kind of awful

to the guys i used to desperately want to be friends with….

I’m really glad you 11 have each other

because judging by the way you treat other people, 

you’ll be the only ones on your side some day

sometimes i think about you doing things you’ve told me about but you did before i even met you and i love you more

i picture you smoking pot on your brothers bed so the fan will blow it outside

how you must have reacted when your parents started fighting

how you looked at your hardcore screamo shows

why you decided to pierce your ears

your long hair

lacrosse games

even the fights with your ex girlfriend

this all might make me sound weird and obsessive

but its just because i want to know everything about you

and i love seeing how much you’ve changed

how you’ve gotten tougher

calmer

more motivated

and grown up

and i wouldn’t even try to take credit

because while i push you to work hard you’ve done all of this on your own

and even though i loved you when your hair was shaggy

your morals were questionable

you spent the money you made selling your books back on weed

and ignored me for a whole summer 

i am so proud of who you’ve become

and I’ve never loved you more 

we’ve both done a lot of growing up over the past year

we’ve both made a lot of changes in our lives

i think they have or will all work out for the best

but i’m glad we have each other now to get through the rough parts. 

and i’m glad we understand each other enough to be able to appreciate how far we’ve come.

i’m glad i forgave you

i’m glad you came back to me

i love you justin

do you ever feel completely useless by yourself?

like when left to your own devices

you seem to do everything wrong?

don’t let it get to you jill

don’t answer

grow up

grow up

don’t assume the worst

just let it lye and see how it unfolds

your smarter then this

your better then this

does anyone ever forget what their boyfriend looks like?

and then look at a picture of him and say thats not my boyfriend?

and then look at the girl in it who you know he used to hook up with and realize she has a tongue ring and he had just mentioned them making blow jobs better and you thought he read it online and now you think he knows from experience and it makes you hate that girl and him more since she’s the one he stopped talking to you for?

and then do you realized your friends are so emotionally broken over important issues you can’t even vent to them so you post things online?

no?

just me.